The best part of Thanksgiving dinner isn’t the turkey, nor is it the side dishes. In my family, it’s the side show!! That’s right. The side show. The side show is provided by all the extended friends and family that join us to celebrate and give thanks. My guess is that your family has a few fabulous side shows of its own. Every family does, but not every family talks about them. Most families would like the rest of the world to believe that their holidays play out like a Hallmark commercial, with smiling relatives, touching background music designed to elicit a happy tear or two, magazine perfect food and decorations, blah blah blah…. How boring!
Whenever my extended family gathers for a holiday we may have a few “Hallmark moments” but the occasion is truly more like a reality show. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some of my favorite holiday memories involve relatives behaving badly! I mean, let’s face it, the stories that get re-told over and over again and become part of your family lore aren’t the ‘nice’ ones. We don’t watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation every year because it warms our hearts….we watch it because it tickles our funny bone.
I have a rather large extended family so the cast of characters for our reality show is quite varied. We have plenty of perfectly normal relatives but due to the sheer number of us we also have quite a few not-so-normal folks in the mix. They are the fun ones. They are the ones that provide a touch of scandalous hilarity and their antics become legend, stories told and retold at each family holiday. They are my favorite kind of family stories. The ones that start with “do you remember the time that _____?”
I will attempt to fill in the blanks in some of my favorite holiday stories and introduce you to some of the more colorful cast members that have graced our holiday celebrations over the years.
Thanksgiving Dinner-The Reality Show: Cast of Characters
1. The Inebriated Aunt: Do you have one of these in your family? Maybe in your family it is an inebriated uncle. Either way, they are fabulous sources of family fun and scandal. They may arrive for dinner sober, but slowly and surely they move across the sobriety spectrum. Before dinner, you may notice that they are getting a little ‘tipsy’, starting to laugh a little louder and longer than normal. By the time dinner is ready to be served, their sobriety needle has hit the red zone. That is when the adventures really begin. Their words become slurred during dinner (which provides all kinds of opportunities for the children attending to stare and giggle) and often, they become belligerent and more than a little argumentative. They don’t care what they argue about, they just want to TALK. LOUDLY. At this point, I highly recommend you humor them and start serving them large cups of hot coffee. If you agitate them they will further disrupt dinner by making one last loud nonsensical speech, stomp around the house looking for their coat, and storm out demanding to be driven home. Then they will get in the first car they see in the driveway, jump in the backseat and wait to be driven home. What’s so funny about that, you ask? We are southern folk so our cars are what we call ‘redneck refrigerators’….it’s where we store our pies to keep them cold until we are ready to serve them. Yes, the inebriated aunt plopped her backside down right in the middle of the pumpkin and apple pies that were meant to be our dessert. True story. I swear.
2. The “It’s a holiday so I don’t have to watch my kids Parent”: This is one of my personal favorites. You know who they are, they show up with their children in tow and once their coats and boots are stowed in the coat closet they immediately forget they have children. They have no idea where their children are, what they are doing, or whether or not they have eaten or slept. Baby needs a diaper change? Not it. Tommy needs help cutting up his turkey? Not it. Little Joey spilled his fruit punch on the carpet and it needs to be cleaned up pronto. Not it. Face it. Most families have at least one of these and the hard, cold reality is that “YOU are it” for the day. Sorry.
3. The Deaf One: The deaf one can be quite amusing. Be thankful that they don’t (or won’t) wear a hearing aide because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to laugh at (with) them. These folks want desperately to be a part of the holiday dinner chatter but unfortunately they can’t make heads or tails of the conversation so they end up making comments that are totally out of context. They usually make LOUD comments because they can’t hear they must assume the rest of us are hard of hearing as well. The deaf one may also be known as the Random Yeller. Typical random yells might include: 1) “MY YAMS ARE NOT CANDIED ENOUGH’ , 2) “DID I MISS THE PUMPKIN PIE?”, or 3) “OF COURSE, HE’S GAY”. I want to be the deaf one someday. Being able to yell random stuff whenever I want….awesome. Wait, make that “AWESOME”!
4. The Critic: If you want to know if your cat box smells, if the top of your refrigerator is dusty, if your pie crust is dry, just include this person on your guest list. Oh, they will disguise their comments as helpful advice but you know better. They are digs. Your only defense it to thank them and ask them to help correct whatever flaw they are pointing out. For example, “Oh you are right, that refrigerator is a disgrace. Thank you for noticing. Here is a cleaning rag. Would you be a dear and get that for me?” They will feel vindicated and you will get your refrigerator dusted. Everybody wins.
5. The Contrary Vegetarian: I don’t have anything against vegetarians, really I don’t. Everyone is entitled to eat or not eat whatever they choose. However, there are a few contrary vegetarians who could use a few lessons on etiquette. When a vegetarian is invited to a Thanksgiving dinner they should probably assume that turkey will be on the menu. Just as the turkey is being served NO ONE wants to hear the following: “Did you know that turkeys are farmed and raised in conditions that are disgustingly unsanitary and cruel?” Yes, I do know this but now is not the time to discuss it. Please put some tofu and a branch in your mouth and chew on it while the rest of us enjoy our dirty, unsanitary, delicious turkey. Thank you.
6. The Parole Absconder: Yes, you read that right. What?? Your family is totally criminal free? Not mine. Thankfully nobody is really dangerous but we do have a few family members who have occasionally found themselves on the wrong side of the law for various minor infractions. I remember one holiday, one of the more colorful relatives was finishing up the terms of his parole and one of his restrictions was that he not leave the county. Well, the rest of the family was celebrating the holiday in the neighboring county. You see where this is going, right? Of course, he violated the terms of parole and came to celebrate with his law abiding relatives. When he arrived, we were surprised but made a place for him at the table. He politely apologized for arriving empty handed. He had planned to bring a ham to dinner but in his haste to get away he forgot and left it hanging by a rope outside the window (another redneck refrigerator reference) of the halfway house he was residing in. We all nodded our heads as if this was a perfectly normal statement. Pass the potatoes, please. True story. I swear.
I would not trade my crazy, quirky family for anything in the world. They have provided me with love, support, and tons of laughter over the years. I am grateful that I don’t have a perfect family. I am grateful that I can approach each holiday season knowing that each year SOMEBODY will do something to make each family gathering an adventure. I hope you are thankful for all of the “special” people that make up your circle of family and friends.
Lori is a content writer for Discount Party Supplies. She is married with three kids and hosts many family gatherings and parties. In her free time, Lori enjoys taking yoga classes and in her secret life she likes going to heavy metal concerts (but don’t tell the other moms!).
