“As my wife and I entered the Halloween party, we noticed three things — an open bar with bottles of varied colored liquids, a ‘Barney the Children’s Dinosaur’ piñata hanging from the ceiling fan and a Kirby Puckett signed Louisville Slugger. We should have known at that moment that things were going to get a little out of hand.”
In my opinion, there can never be enough Naughty Nurses at a Halloween party.
I can’t get my fill of FBI (Federal Body Inspector) Agents at a spooky gathering.
You need more than one couple dressed as M&M candies to fill your creepy party bowl.
With this said, there are worse scenarios than people wearing the same SpongeBob costume to your All-Hallow’s Eve Extravaganza. Well, maybe not. I’m not sure if there’s anything creepier (other than that dang Burger King guy) than multiple adult-sized SpongeBob costumes. They should have communicated first. Patrick would be a much more ingenious costume, but I digress.
I’m here to tell you about some of the biggest Halloween Party Disasters known to man. Some are first hand experiences. Some are hearsay and some are just blatantly fabricated. I’ll ask you later which ones are real and which (witch…heh heh…more puns) are completely pulled out of my back pocket. Good luck. This quiz is worth 25% of your final grade.
“We were fortunate enough to show up at the Halloween party early enough that people weren’t poking the purple piñata with the priceless wooden stick. However, we did show up in time for people to realize that a blindfold was needed and there wasn’t one available. To see what people came up with, while rooting through the host’s “unmentionables” drawer, was comical.”
One year, I decided to go as Bert from the children’s television show, “Sesame Street.” I had a great argyle sweater and white turtleneck. After putting the outfit on, I realized I wasn’t “true to form.” I had too much hair. Well, you guessed it; I shaved most of my head. I then painted my head yellow and went to the party. It looked okay, but it wasn’t enough to win the Costume of the Night prize. I don’t remember who that went to, because by then, I’d had enough of the punch with the gummy sharks swimming around in it. The reason this was a Halloween Party Disaster is because I didn’t think far enough ahead. Most of my head was shaved. Fortunately, I was employed by a company who had a strict “casual attire” policy. I can still feel that baseball cap on my head after wearing it for 4 months. Halloween Disaster Number 1.
“The fellow who came to the Halloween party dressed as Babe Ruth felt it was his duty to show everyone his gracefulness while swinging a bat. After a young lady, dressed as a cross between a police woman and Jessica Rabbit, wowed everyone with her mandible prowess by pulling a Granny Smith out of a barrel, the “Great Bambino” took that apple and stepped outside. From what I remember, this wanna-be big-leaguer didn’t put two and two together that a tree fruit would explode when hit with a bat. Raggedy Ann, Raggedy Andy and the Wonder Twins were covered in something that resembled apple mush.”
Another year, my wife and I (we’ll call her Kelli) went to a party dressed as Dorothy and the Scarecrow (from “The Wizard of Oz.”) The hosts of this party were the same people who hosted the “Bert and Ernie” party. They brought up the fact that Kelli and I were obsessed with dressing as characters from children’s productions. We just thought we were being cute. (That could have been Halloween Party Disaster Number 2, but it gets better.)
Kelli looked amazing as Dorothy adorned with pony tails, blue gingham dress and red shoes. (We decided against the ruby slippers because morning footwear was completely out of the question as it was the end of fall at an outside party.) As the evening wore down, there were a few of us left ignoring the fact that the original “Nightmare on Elm Street” was playing on the television. Everyone had a great idea to go to the local “alternative lifestyle” dance club. Someone mentioned that it would probably be a silly idea to drive downtown because the bar would be packed. We noticed we had an “Ace in the Hole.” Dorothy. As we’re all getting packed up to go (alcohol and Twizzlers make a lethal combination for better judgment), Dorothy balked at the idea. How did this turn in to a Halloween Party Disaster? We were never invited out again.
Keep this in mind. To prevent yourself from becoming party to a Halloween Party Disaster, be a wallflower. Just stand there, watch TV and shake your head politely if someone asks you to “suggestively bob for apples.”
“The cacophony of noises from the family room became unimaginable. People singing “I love you. You love me…” with people screaming, “Barney must explode!” was too much to bear. Babe Ruth came back in to the house after asking somebody for some cinnamon and sugar to add to the apple-covered Wonder Twins. I was just about ready to offer a Hostess Brand Apple Pie when he noticed the dinosaur. The person (guy? girl? never found out) dressed as the “Charlie Brown Bed Sheet Ghost” decided that it was getting warm and the ceiling fan would help cool things down. Yes. The same ceiling fan that suspended our treat-filled prehistoric lizard. Barney was spinning counter-clockwise, parallel to the ceiling/floor. If anyone has been to a party with a piñata knows that it must be sitting still if you stand any chance of hitting it. Well, the beloved children’s party favor was not. Number 3 (Babe Ruth’s number) started swinging; upwards. After 7 holes in the ceiling, my wife and I decided it was the perfect time to “exit, stage left.” We didn’t stick around to see if anyone was the recipient of those yummy soft caramel candies, but we figured that one way or another, someone would be in for a surprise.”
Fortunately for all of my Halloween Party Disasters, no lasting physical damage was received. Emotional healing is still in the process. This may have a lot to do with the fact I enjoy wearing my Burger King “King” mask when the young children come by for the annual tradition of “Give Me Candy or I’ll Silly String Your Entire Lawn.”
What’s your most memorable Halloween Party Disaster? Did you have a guest that wouldn’t leave? Did you have a guest wear the same “Ghostbusters” Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man costume? Did you have someone dressed as Dr. Peter Venkman taser you as you were trying to take off your Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man mask? Please leave us your disaster stories. It can’t be worse than someone dressed in a two-sizes-too-small baseball uniform knock over every knick-knack in your living room.
Trust me. I’m a professional. And my hair finally grew back.
Jim has gone the past 5 years without having to walk his children around the block to gather candy.That record is in jeopardy this year. You can follow him on Twitter (@hepcatdj) and Facebook (DJJimbo).
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